My Very Profane and Bloody Valentine

“Listen babe, I swear, I didn’t think it was until next week.”
“You fucking idiot! How the fuck could you forget Valentines Day, dumbass?”
“I don’t know, I swear, shit, I just forgot.”
“Bullshit, you were probably off getting high with all your friends you didn’t even think about me or my feelings, much less our relationship!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If you would have pulled your head out of your fucking ass, you would realize that it’s not only Valentines Day but also our anniversary!”
“Anniversary?”
“Oh my god, you really did forget. You’re fucking unbelievable sometimes!”
“Wait, how is our anniversary? We’ve only been together since like December…”
“It’s our two and a half month anniversary!”
“What kind of bullshit anniversary is that?”
“It’s obviously a romantic one! It’s on Valentines Day and you could’ve done all sorts of cute and romantic shit for me---but no—I have to be dating to the biggest fucking asshole on the planet who cares about nothing but himself.”
“That’s outrageous baby, I love you, but honestly, who the fuck celebrates two months and two weeks?”
“I don’t know…sweet guys that actually care about their girlfriends and buy them nice expensive things--”
“I buy you all sorts of nice shit!”
“Name one thing.”
“Um…”
“Exactly! You can’t think of one fucking thing! Asshole.”
“Look, I’m trying to think but it’s hard with you going fucking ballistic on me, and I’m kind of stoned right now---”
“You fucking asshole! This is just typical of you, just fucking typical, you good for nothing son of a bitch. The only thing you’re good at is doing drugs---”
“First of all I’m mainly only burning plants, second---”
“Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” (sob) You don’t care about anything! You don’t care about me! You (dramatic pause followed by another sob) don’t love me.”
“Aw come on listen to yourself, what kind of shit is that? Just because I forgot Valentines Day or some bullshit anniversary doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I love you more than anything.”
“Then how come you don’t buy me nice things?”
“Say what?”
“Why don’t you get me nice shit, asshole?”
“What the fuck’s that got to do with love?”
“It has everything to do with love, dickhead!”
“Don’t get me wrong babe, but it sounds like it has a lot more to do with materialism.
“Are you calling me materialistic?”
“Maybe I am.”
(Exasperated snort of disbelief) “I can’t believe this…”
“Believe what?”
“The nerve of you! You come here, whacked out on drugs, you forget not only the most romantic holiday on earth but also what’s probably our most important anniversary, and you insult me! You. Are. Such. An. ASSHOLE!”
“Oh I’m the asshole huh? I’m the drug addicted, good for nothing asshole, right? I smoked a joint or four or six—I don’t remember how many—and I forget about a holiday that some rich douchebags invented to make even more money and some fucking anniversary you invented to get even more attention---so I’m the asshole? Am I getting this right?”
“Crystal clear, for the first time in your life, dickhead.”
“Well, what’s that make you then? Wait don’t even answer cause I already know! You’re the materialistic bitch!”
“What the fuck did you just call me?”
“I called you a materialistic bitch but I was wrong. I should have called you a crazy, shallow, materialistic bitch. My bad.”
“You’re unbelievable. You’re just fucking unbelievable sometimes.”
“Well you’re a crazy bitch. But you’re a crazy bitch all the time.”
“A crazy bitch? That’s what you think? So I guess you won’t be surprised that I have one of these….”
“Whoa, where the fuck did you get that?”
“I’ll ask the questions, dickbreath. Do you still think I’m a crazy bitch now?”
“Look babe, please put it down, no one has to get hurt.”
“You didn’t answer my fucking question, fuckhead. “Do you still think I’m a crazy bitch?”
“Baby I’m sorry just put it down! It doesn’t have to come to this!”
“AM I STILL A FUCKING CRAZY FUCKING BITCH OR NOT?!”
“Listen I’m sorry I said those things! I wasn’t thinking right, I love you, I love you, you’re not crazy just please---please baby don’t pull the trigg---”